funny jokes usa

The price is too sheep My village shop is a bit weird. They only accept farm animals. So if I want a Daily Mail it costs a chicken. If I want 2 pints of a milk and a loaf of bread it costs me a pig. And if I want to buy a bag of frozen chips it’s a ram and a ewe. I couldn’t afford that though. The price is too sheep.

The Juicer James: Hey Emily! Emily: Don’t talk to me. James: Why, what did I do? Emily: Last night you were so drunk that you got my apple iPad out and tried to put it in the juicer. James: Really? Emily: Yeah, and you said that you were going to make apple juice with it.

New Year’s Resolution Oliver: This coming year 2017, I’m going to really be a new person. My new year’s resolutions will be: firstly, I will go on a strict diet, secondly, I will start exercising regularly, and thirdly, I will stop procrastinating. Harry: But isn’t that what you said last year as your new year’s resolutions too? Oliver: Exactly! That’s why I stopped procrastinating!

Don’t Speak An old man is in a hospital bed attached to an oxygen tank. His wife comes to visit and asks the doctor how he is doing.            The doctor tells her that he is doing better and she could visit him but to limit the                     conversation because he is still very weak.            The wife enters the room and sits on his bed right next to him.The man begins to try to            say something, but his wife cuts him off          “Honey, the doctor told me to tell you to try not to speak because you’re still weak.”                        The man stills attempts to force out words, but nothing is coming out.                The wife says “ Honey, please don’t try to speak, you are weak, what are you trying                   to say even? Is it that you love me? If it’s that important write it down.”              His wife hands him a pen and a piece of paper.                  She reads the note that he has written, and it says,             “Get up

Magic Mirror There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.  If you told a lie it would suck you in. One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said ‘I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world’ and it sucked her in. The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world’ and it sucked her in.  Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think…’ and it sucked her in.

  A blonde one On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet. The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?” “That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.” After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

Two Missionaries T wo missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can’t believe it! He says, “What’s wrong with you? We’re being boiled alive! They’re gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?” The other missionary says, “I just peed in the soup.”

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, “I’ll have a beer.” The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.” The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.” Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. “Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limits.”

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?” The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”